Why is my narcissist ignoring me

I asked him how he could be so cruel 2 nights before forgot to mention that he told me Monday that he was not going to pay for the car that he bought me this summer, that he promised to pay for, and he took me off the heakth insurance, which he had to do I am assuming is,because we are divorced, but a few weeks ago he filed the paper to keep me on it.

Then 2 days later, he sends me this sweet song, it is so confusing. I put up with alot with him, and I am so angry with myself for staying. Well I did leave him when he started the drugs, but we stayed in touch. I am going to seek legal advice on the car, because his name is on it too. What I would like to know based on his recent erratic behavior, do you think he back on the drugs, the Narcissism or both.

I know that his behavior lately seems like the drugs because it changed suddenly about 3 weeks ago, but it could be both. I think he is close to having a nervous breakdown, but there is nothing I can do. I have been supportive of him for a long time and lost myself, I have to focus on me, physically and mentally.

I have sent them an article or 2 to help understand, not for pity, but I wondered if there were any specific ways to make them understand. Thank you Melanie for all you do, you have helped me tremendously, God bless you. Kathy Reynolds. Brilliant post Mel and as always your timing is perfect!!! Thank you so much for your support in this wonderful community.

Thank you so much Melanie for this post! Your blog and youtube films are very helpful. I have been in therapy with different psychologist for over many years. I have followed workshops, courses to work on myself or tackle things etc. Recently I have given up on sessions with my psychologist.. I am done with the endless talks and methods I should practise. I feel so stuck and in a loop! The information and dedication and devotion you put in your work has really moved me.

I am looking forward to starting the first module of your narp program tomorrow! Thank you again, Melanie! I feel so supported by you, which means a lot to me, because I sometimes feel alone in this. Have a nice day! A nervous wreck today. Never had one weekend off to discuss anything and always blamed me for my friends wanting their cars fixed on weekends despite my pleas for respite away.

It would make an horrific soap drama. From police visits from his ex who incidentally lives in a different state, fighting his insurance claims for loss of job and injury, setting up his business, complaints from clients who criticised him taken out on me. His threats of law suits to them — yes I copped the whole stock and barrel.

Even our Accountant and Bookkeeper were concerned at the amount of alcohol going through the business which incidentally was all my fault yet again. Master manipulation is true.

That alone shocked me into despair. He ticked every darn box from those lessons. From the drama with is family, his daughters and ex who went no contact. He ruined every birthday and xmas we had and even at a group birthday this year he stole my wallet with all my cards and returned after a month and after 3wks so you can imagine who paid for that trip.

Every conversation he turned into it being about him only. The pathological lies if you listen to what they say and all the drama they return with you realise they are talking about themselves in the picture they even believe those lies as well.

He seemed to be focus only on seeking supply from everyone else and behind closed doors he was the monster from hell. I blocked him which FB then auto blocked him off our business page and then the really cruel smear campaign started and him telling all my close friends how nasty I was — he set this up over time and was the ultimate master manipulator too.

On top of that he supposedly detoxed and no longer drinks after being in Asia. Landlord was being kind to help with the separation I think. Then just tells me all the furniture I got via my contacts are owned by him as his ute picked it all up. No fairness there. In 5yrs apart from having daily living supplied I get nothing, business built in his name and he wants to destroy my psyche with it. Pretends to be a Christian, says grace with no emotion — empty words. Refused to stay in the service of funerals we attended.

Roll on and thank you Mel for all your posts. My N would provoke arguments once a week and when I would defend myself, claim I was the problem. One day, after our weekly Monday squabble, I of course apologized, only to be met with the silent treatment.

Then after much prodding weeks for the reason for the silent treatment, I was told that my weekly fights ripped out his heart and that he was out. That same day, a girl whom he claims to be friends with, but I have never seen before, started coming over to our workspace.

He sits behind me at work. So now I not only have to deal with him no longer speaking to me over something he did to hurt my feelings, but I have to watch him flirting with another coworker.

He says good morning with disdain. Should I even reply with a good morning to be polite? The whole thing has me sick to my stomach. How we get over the trauma and torment is by doing the inner work on ourselves with THAT part of ourselves that is hurt and triggered, and then I promise you there is no trigger or pain — it feels completely benign.

Heather, have you accessed my free resources to start learning what it is that is really playing out here — and the reason for it? I have been married to a narcissist for 54 years. I have a degree in Psychology. I finally learnt to handle him an myself. We now have a tranquil relationship. He is still a narcissist but he has modified his behaviour, the saving grace is he was never a womanizer and needs me more than I need him. I use that to my advantage in a good way.

I believe our relationship is a karmic one, I needed to learn how to have compassion and unconditional love for him. It was very difficult but once I learnt , thing became much easier. He feels safe and loved, I set my boundaries which he has learnt to respect, I was never needy and that gave me power in the relationship.

He is very funny and charming and brilliant which helps a lot. Your videos have been a great help and I thank you for them. Narcissists do teach us about ourselves, we need to grow as well. As you said once, narcissistsare angels in disguise, they push us to grow. I love that you have had this as a learning and growth experience in love — at such a high level.

Yes, it could ave been your karmic lesson and a beautiful one, but for many believing in that lesson can be a death sentence. It nearly was for me. I hope you understand, that even though your message is quite beautiful it can be a dangerous one. I agree with you. It could be dangerous. I considered and tried to save my relationship with the narcissist by telling myself I needed to do as Marilyn has stated.

I tried showing him unconditional love, being more compassionate, and tried to understand him but it made me feel I was only feeding him more supply. It made him want more from me which made it more demanding than before. No more silent treatments! Thank you, Melanie for your wisdom and continuous support. Marilyn, I have the compassion and unconditional love yet I am still treated as though I do not exist. He projects the things I say to him about his behavior on to me as if it is me instead of him that is mentally ill.

I know I am not! My reasons for seeking professional counseling was to figure out how best to help HIM! In fact, the one I still see claims that he is the worst she has seen in her over 20 years of counseling. Since I am stuck in this marriage for at least two-three years for financial reasons, do you have any suggestions for me? It seems the more I give the more he demands then rejects once I get too close!

He is fine with this even though they do not really get along. However, I do have three sons that live near me and my daughter and they are very supportive! I have a similar situation. I am keeping distance. Thank you Mel! This totally explains the behaviour of my late mother who I now, thanks in part to your wonderful insights, realise was a covert narcissist. Everyone else thought she was a saint. For years I thought there was something inherently wrong with me and that I deserved this treatment.

Much older golden child sister said I must have too, as such a lovely lady would not behave like this. The damage caused by a narc parent really does run deep. At nearly 50 I have never been in a relationship, partly because I am scared that someone inevitably will drop me when they get to know me better.

My mother was the same. She recruited my brother and sister as her flying monkeys. Father worked away and was another scapegoat. Could never take a boyfriend home to meet her as she would have charmed the pants off them. I never married. Thank you once again for another insightful article. He lived entirely at my expense for the ten years we were together.

Because he was totally dependent in material terms he had a weak point but used this on order to make out that I was a harridan and he was my victim. I would try to alleviate the stress of mealtimes in silence and could spend most of the time not being able to swallow my food and turning over subjects of conversation in my head to find a NEUTRAL topic to ease the tension. I realised that silence was my only defence and stopped speaking.

I am a dedicated Narper but still have a long way to go with self-worth issues and finding source and inspiration within myself. Especially during Christmas and special occasions. My heart goes out to those still suffering but my best advice is this: Use the silent treatment as a time to escape and heal, because it grants you the space to do so.

Get as far away as possible. Change your number, job, address etc… cut off all contact if possible. These have been more than enough motivation for me. Just coming to the end of a 18 month messy divorce process from my narcissist after a 15 year marriage. Recognising the importance of No Contact I do keep communication with him to a bare minimum and only email him with matters strictly regarding the children. I am managing now not to take this bait and respond: however it does still trigger me and I find I live in dread of checking my inbox in case there is a new email from him in there.

I play all sorts of mind games with myself about when I will feel strong enough to check it and deal with whatever is in there. He is therefore still intruding into and controlling my life despite me trying not to let him.

Please help! I would also suggest to you perhaps thinking about being on the Forum with the NARP team to get help with coaching, suggestions and support when needed- it really is an invaluable resource.

It may be worth you looking at an upgrade — which is simple to do — all you need to do is email [email protected]. Reading this article has been an eye opener. We had a row and he utterly humbled me by being outraged and shocked at my accusation.

How could I mistrust him to such an extent, the poor girl was suicidal and needed his help. I bought it stop laughing everyone, I was naive ok! Knowing my partner had nil empathy I was worried his help to her would not be positive! I fell apart and he stopped speaking to me for 3 months. Total silence. I tried to talk to him but he looked through me. Back in the car — silence. Back in the house. I became so ill I went to the doctor and he suggested counselling.

Nor did the doctor mention it. If I answered yes to two or more questions I must then read up about Narcissistic Behaviour Disorder.

Of the 20 questions on that website I said yes to 18 and I did fall apart and cried a whole week! Thirty years of upsets and me always being wrong or lazy or downright stupid suddenly made sense. I was useful, shopping, washing and cooking so I was spoken to occasionally. Largely silent but occasional communication. I have been trapped in a 9 year marriage to a narcissistic wife. I have endured the silent treatment many times. This article has been very insightful.

I now understand the true reason for this horrible treatment. I now realize the need to escape. I refuse to tolerate any more of this hideous abuse. I am taking my life back period! Thanks Mel for all you do for so many! Hi Melanie, thanks for the article — very informative and insightful as usual! I am in the process of leaving my NARC husband after less than a year of marriage and have also cut contact with my entire family a couple of years ago as all the main relationships were narcissistic and I was repeatedly abused and scapegoated.

Anyway — I just wanted to put my question in context as I feel my life has been literally overflowing with narcissists in every area of my life — family, partners, friends and colleagues. I do have some friends who are not narcs and know I have a choice about who I get involved with socially and emotionally but when it comes to work I am completely stumped because I do not have a choice in who I work with. I seem to always encounter them at work and this has caused me no end of difficulty as I end up having to leave.

In my experience every work place always has a least one seriously destructive narc in it and, not surprisingly, they always target me and keep going until I either get sacked because of them or am forced to leave.

I have tried all sorts of ways to avoid this story from repeating which have all failed and led to a low level phobia of being employed. To be honest narcs at work scare the hell out of me because I know when it comes to the crunch, they always know how to manipulate to get their own way and I do not see how I can avoid this from happening without stooping to their level and game playing or hopping from job to job which is essentially what I have been doing all my life.

I have never had a full time job for more than a year and most have been significantly less than that. It feels like being back in my family… Work relationships perplex me because I know I depend on the money for survival and it seems no matter what strategies I try, in the end I have no choice except to stay and accept the abuse and eventual ejection out of my job or to leave before that happens — which as you can well imagine, feels like no choice at all.

I get that I need to work on the inner stuff to shift my energy and break the pattern but I am wondering if you have any advice for dealing with narcs at work other than job hopping to avoid them or going self-employed which I have also tried? I am so pleased things are getting really clear for you.

Ok Freja, please know I so empathise with you in regard to doing tons of work on yourself for years and still being bogged down in abusers.

Healing ourselves and fully showing up is the only true answer. And how it works is from day one — going inwards to the first big trigger that is happening and unravelling and releasing that and so on and so forth and you will feel you shift inside, the outside events of the abuse on those topics shift and so on and so forth.

I would stay where you are and do that …why not? You will not be accepting the abuse, you will transform you and the abuse and then from an empowered inner centre, you can make choices that work for you.

Passing you by and pretending not to see you although there are no people around you? And just five days before that a person who was given this silent treatment was told by this very same person how he is one of the best friends he, the narcissist, ever had. The thing is when we start healing ourselves and growing up the parts of us that used to feel left out, passed over and unimportant as children we need to realise that our boundaries and truth is our job to generate for ourselves.

If you were to ask this person what that was about and see what their answer is you can start to understand if they are a healthy person capable of supplying you the care and love that you are now willing to supply yourself. In fact, we are assigning them with supplying us what we are not supplying ourselves yet.

My husband has a cycle too. Stacie have you connected to my free resources? This was my 20 year marriage. And my parents. My ex would never respond During marriage or after.

My voice did not exist. This guy is seriously and pathologically messed up. He was is a covert which doubled up crazy it left me in. Have you connected to my free resources yet? Thank you once again Melanie…I refer to your articles often as they help me unravel and understand what became of my life.

I am almost 2 months NC after the 4th cycle, blocked him in every way possible…and yet some messages have gotten through because of mutual friends. I find myself wondering about possibly moving away, starting over in a brand new place. I will be going to FL for the winter in a few weeks, perhaps that will help. Thankfully, I am in extreme self care mode and really healing the original wounds. Your work is a source of great strength and inspiration.

Thank you. Melanie, your voice is the truth and it is hard to find anyone who understands that this has happened and is still happening to me. Now I am remarried to the person I had so hoped would see the light. SO much silent treatment that has become the normal. After the divorce and silent treatment I begged him to let me stay with him as I faced homelessness.

I returned to stay with him and eventually we re-married in Vegas! I had a seizure shortly after and lost driving privileges. More than likely due to the extreme stress levels. I have no job, can not drive and face homelessness if he throws me out of course he says I leave him. We have moved in the 6 years we have been together 6 times and that was from one coast of US to the other and included 3 states and included 5 towns.

Today I feel he is using it to keep me here for supply until he has a complete other package but he is aging and perhaps he has given up on another person being drawn to him and will keep me around. Most days I feel like nothing to my husband but to God my father in heaven I feel loved, worthy and enough.

It gets me through to the next day. I think my adult children, who I have from a previous marriage are confused and it offers no example of how to live a healthy life.

It will take me awhile to get independent. Oddly, I can relate to a millennial young adult in many ways trying to get out on their own but living with parents well after college and identify with issues they face.

Previously I had money set aside to manage, a job and I could drive. I have had so much time to learn about narcissism and to learn I need to change my mind that I am NOT a victim but this has happened so I can change. I want to change and focus on putting on my own oxygen mask. What a tangled web deceivers weave and it will take me awhile to be free.

Your voice is the truth and it is calling many of us out of the lies. I am so sorry you are going through this — my heart goes out to you. Cindy life does so eventually force us inwards to heal when we are so used to doing everything but. Maybe it is your time to turn inwards, so many of us have been … capable, smart and usually able to get up and going again. But how much can we take until we do heal this at its core? Thank you! It means so much to me that you read my comment and responded.

I think I am ready to totally seek healing but I can not do no contact for awhile. I would face homelessness. I tried leaving before when he said go and had an apartment, job, car and ability to drive plus a legal divorce and a small amount of maintenance pay from him and I still returned! So I want to make sure I can stand strong and not go back to the circus. It has hurt so many people that I returned and caused confusion to my adult children and friends. I totally understand and please know there have been many people in this Community who have been still under the same roof doing the healing work.

There is an end, release and True Life for you lovely lady. The way these people with personality disorders can shut their attachment off to you is inhumane. My discard came immediately after I told her she was mentally ill and needed help. She went from me being the love of her life to hating me immediately. She turned everything off we had together like a light switch and basically throwed me away like I never existed.

She changed her phone number immediately and blocked me from everything except email. I fought for closure for 2 months. Only thing I got was a few messages from her stating that she loved me, she missed me, but I hurt her too bad and everything was my fault.

The more I contacted her the more cold hearted and evil she became. There was never any real remorse, empathy or compassion in anything she said. Mine seemed to have both borderline and covert narcissist traits. For the entire 3 years of our relationship, it appeared that we were really best friends, lovers, soulmates, even through all her chaos and erratic behavior. After about 3 months into the relationship I started noticing something was wrong. However, she had basically moved in with me after the first 2 weeks and I fell in love with her immediately.

So, I was already hooked. After about 6 months the manipulation, lies, head games, road rage, temper tantrums, one sided conversations, paranoia, etc started to get more profound.

She would also tell me she was different, special and I should accept her the way she was. What makes my story a little more unique is that she never needed or took my money, like a lot of narcissist do. She managed to hold down a decent job, even with all her issues. She actually spent more money on me than I ever spent on her.

She was also very good to my children when they came to stay with us. The rest of the time during the relationship, she would break the time up and stay with her mother in her home town during the week. Mine actually bomb me with constant love, affection, attention, etc right up to the end. As far as the devaluation, I never really saw that until after the discard.

But several counselors showed me how it was happening throughout the relationship. One big thing I was showed was the triangulation that they use. She constantly put me down to her family and co-workers anytime we had an argument. Then she would put them down to me everytime she had an argument with them. This is part of the smear campaign that they use in the triangulation for attention. The serious smear campaign came right after she discarded me and it was brutal.

I will admit, I had become somewhat verbally abusive to her the last couple months before the relationship ended. I still blame myself for the discard. But she had drove me totally crazy with the emotional abuse.

My nerves were totally shot after 3 years of loving me more than anything one minute and hating me the next. Some would say why would you stay in a relationship like that? They attach to your soul like nothing you could ever imagine. The coverts can actually be very good to for a long time in many ways, even during the constant battle. The major damage is done when they up and leave you without any warning the discard.

This is when they take your soul that they have acquired over a period of time with them. Some of us are left with severe PTSD and barely able to function. I miss her every second of every day, even though I know she is no good for me. I see her in the house cooking in the kitchen, sleeping next to me, her car in the driveway and everywhere I go not litterly, but the memories.

I will agree to a certain point, but I did do love this woman. Like I said earlier, I never got the full devalue like most get before the discard. I guess I was a good physical and emotional supply for her. But ripping her mask off ended all the feelings she had for me immediately. All I can do is tell myself that this relationship was just an illusion and a bad dream. Chad, wow this is also me, like exactly. Add the financial part, I definitely have all that I had. Wow Chad — my parents were married for over 50 years.

My Mother constantly told my Dad that he was mentally ill and needed to see a psychiatrist. So he finally went. After a few visits the doctor realized he needed to see my Mother. She is definitely not in need of any psychiatric help. No sir! Of course she refused to go.

That also put an end to her telling my Dad that he had mental problems. My Dad never discussed their relationship with us kids much but in later years he mentioned that Mom would give him the silent treatment. Hi Chad! I felt the need to comment to this one!

I can relate to this! Now this memory makes me smile. The fact is this: a narcissist is a narcissist! I think trying to have a n as a normal partner in a normal relationship is equally crazy. Yep, been there, done that, many years….

I understand. This n was similar. He never took or asked money from me. He did not even accepted money from me, when I said I wanted to pay gasoline or something like that. He always paid in restaurants, super market etc.

He was also very good with animals, with my dog etc. I think "time" alone will not heal so much, but to heal the "original trauma". It took me quite a long time to "get it", that the real problem was not my relationship with the n, but my relationship with myself! Hello E. I love two things you said: the analogy about keeping a shark in a swimming pool and also the advice your friend gave you. Thank you for sharing.

I believe that life gives us contrast to help us make true choices. What I found after almost 2 years with my N husband was that I historically had a difficult time walking away from bad situations and with him he had me doubting the situation was bad, doubting my judgment and completely confused about everything that went on in my life because he belittled, contradicted, shamed and humiliated me day and night. I lost the ability to make a decision and I felt like a zombie, sex slave.

I was quickly losing all of my motivation and reason for being. Fortunately I found a like minded therapist before her who helped me leave.

She answered my calls day and night because I was so close to losing my mind. I moved to a different state on August 12th. The modules feel like a lifeline for me now. Some of my friends want me to date and that has no appeal to me whatsoever. Best wishes! I felt the same way too. But, what I think is important to understand, a man is not a synonym to a n!

I think the key is to trust yourself! Any bizarre, shocking, unusual, disrespecting behaviour is just not ok, normal people do not suddenly behave that way. Like this is not how I want to be treated, how do I want to be treated instead? I think I endured so much horror with the n, due to my plain inexperience. But with the n, the ups and downs were totally extreme!!

Like honeymoon, then couple of months silent treatment -cycles. The first comment that has been similar to my experience. He was very controlling, isolating, and not supportive of my dreams and goals — all of which I swept under the rug because he was such a good guy otherwise. We were happy, or so I thought.

But a few times a year, he would shut me out. Give me the silent treatment for no apparent reason. The longer we were together, the more I questioned if the price I was paying in the bad times was worth the joy of the good times, but I continued to give him the benefit of the doubt because I loved him so very much.

In June, we had a wonderful family day followed by an enjoyable date night. No counseling, nothing. He was done. I was blown to bits, but contacted an attorney and did all the things you do to line yourself up for an exit. The kicker was, he expected me and my son to move out. We had built the house together the previous year, and it was paid for in full. In his eyes, it was his and I just needed to go away.

He had a rude awakening. Just wanted to thank all of you for all of your responses. I will continue to read all of them to help me continue No Contact. Hardest thing ever but my life depends on sticking to it xoxo. I divorced my narc ex-husband a year and a half ago.

They devalue you to make you feel powerless, so they can feel powerful. Trying to figure out what you did wrong to be ignored will often be a failed attempt to get into the mind of a narcissist.

They do what is best for them at that moment and you may never know what that is. When the narcissist ignores, try to remember it is about them and not about you, to help you feel more in control of a situation you have no control over. At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you.

Why Do Narcissists Ignore You? Emily Mayfield. Strangulation In Abusive Relationships. Oct 20, , PM. Oct 16, , PM. Insults From Narcissists. Oct 13, , PM. How do I know if I am depressed? This means you need to work to make your life appear as dull, motionless, and static as possible toward the narcissist.

Make yourself the center of your universe, always. Allow people in and out of your bubble, but never make your bubble revolve around somebody else. Control is the primary motivator of which Narcissistic Personality Disorder, like most personality disorders. Therefore, ignoring is perceived defiance of that control. The first reaction is usually to one-up them by doing more of the same or at a higher intensity.

Plan B is in order. So, they will likely try to manipulate you differently by acting out of their usual pattern of behavior. If this fails, Plan C is in order. They may cry remorsefully and pull at your heartstrings with promises to turn over a new leaf. This is a ruse. If this fails to gain traction, Plan D is the next assault. They will be delightfully charming — just like they were when you fell in love!

They will tell you how they miss, the things you used to do together, everything they love about you, and all the places and memories that evoke those feelings in you. But is you have enough self-esteem and self-respect to resist this charm, Plan E may be in order.

This is where the Narcissist drops the acts and reveals who they are emotional, a hurt, angry toddler in an adult body and intellect. In pronounced cases, that behavior can resemble sociopathic, antisocial traits where control means vindication. It can get harsh and even violent. It can be explosive or grossly devious with plotting that can include intricate plans or the two in succession.

Narcissists resemble the Russian Babushka dolls, where each doll breaks open to reveal the next smaller doll inside. The hurt, the angry toddler, is in the center. That emotional toddler has the intelligence of an adult but has a highly stunted emotional development that was also greatly twisted early in life. They do not easily change, even with psychotherapy.

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